Why it's not always, "good to TALK" about our mental health

I have suffered from anxiety and OCD for most of my life – in fact, probably ALL of my walking and talking life.

It has taken on many forms over the years, with lots of layers added to it.

I’ve had times when things were very dark for me indeed and I couldn’t see a way out, along with times where I have felt much more stable – but I have, and still am…and probably always will…suffer from anxiety (and severe OCD).

In recent years, it is fantastic to see that people’s mental health and the varying conditions and anxieties that people suffer with have been brought into the public eye a lot more and generally, there is A LOT more awareness and support available to people - WHICH IS AMAZING!

We are encouraged to TALK about it.

I always wince at this suggestion though and at face value, I feel this is dangerous advice.

The thing is, in an ideal world, we could ‘talk’ and share our feelings and anxieties with all those around us – who in turn would offer this unconditional support and understanding. Where we could offload – anytime, anyplace. Where we could trust them and know they will always be there for us. Where we can talk for as long as we felt we wanted to, and as often as we needed to.

And in turn, this would make us ‘better’. Or at least feel much better.

This isn’t reality though.

Talking to ‘the WRONG’ person, or talking TOO OFTEN to a person, can make you feel much much worse!!

And so, here is my (possibly) unpopular opinion…

IT ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD TO TALK.

I’m not for a second suggesting people should bottle up their feelings – FAR FROM IT!

Bottling things up is disastrous and dangerous, but we should think carefully about WHO we confide in and not depend on others to make us…better!

I strongly feel that we shouldn’t have this expectation of people – that they will be able to / be willing to help us – by talking and sharing our feelings with them. No matter how close a friend or family member / loved one they are.

Although I agree, if you are struggling, you do need to talk to someone - that ‘someone’ may not be those closest to us.

I know that what I need from someone when I am feeling particularly low is for them to merely LISTEN. To say they are here for me and that they understand.

But for many loved ones, they might not offer what you want them to or need them to.

It’s not their fault – they just don’t understand and may feel panicked that they feel they haven’t got the ‘knowledge’ or capabilities to be able to ‘help’.

It might be generational (in some instances). It might be their lack of awareness or understanding… or even lack of patience.

It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want the best for you.

It means they are NOT the right person for you to speak to.

I think people are very wise to share their feelings (at least once) with a friend, loved one / family member, but if you don’t get what you need from them – thank them, but know they are not the person to go to again – YOU HAVE TRIED!

You can make yourself feel even more poorly by continue to try with this person and then you come away feeling even worse.

You may even have got what you want and need when you have confided in someone, but then you have ‘returned’ to them to TALK again, and their attitude and sympathy and empathy are found to have been short-lived.

There is a ‘said’ or implied, “you should be getting better by now” or, “we have talked about this before!”

The person may feel ‘frustrated’ or appear angry (with you or themselves) that their previous advice / sympathies didn’t apparently work.

We can also soon ‘bum’ people out if we are not careful, and become for those around us, “My friend of misery” as the Metallica song says.

We don’t want to be that friend who always wants to talk about our woes and bring everyone down.

The last 7 years of my life have been some of the worst and yet some of the best of my life.

I’ve seen the worst and best in myself and the world around me.

The end of 2016 into 2017 was so dark for me, I can barely bring myself to look back upon it.

This was a time when I needed help.

I received all of the above from the friends / family I confided in.

Some great support, some bad or non-existent support, some extremely (as it turned out) ‘timed’ support, and for two ‘friends’ I had, for them, I am sure, I became, “(a) friend of misery”.

One of these ‘friends’ who was so lovely and helpful in the beginning told me in our last phone conversation that I should start drinking!

She was simply tired of listening to me. Seeing me / hearing me cry.

And I don’t blame her. Not really.

I expected too much of her – and I shouldn’t have done.

Needless to say, these ‘friends’ are not in my life anymore.

Letting them go was easy as it turned out. I just stopped calling and texting. There was no fight or struggle from either party. I just loosened my hold and let them drift into the breeze…

And I didn’t mourn for them, nor even have any bad feelings towards them.

I learned a lot from them – along with those who I had tested the waters only once with, and clearly, they would not be able to offer me what I needed.

For the latter, I have merely learned what to share and what not to share with them.

It might make the relationship(s) superficial to an extent, but it really is for the best for my mental health.

Why share things with people who cannot…and can NEVER offer you what you need?

You don’t have to cut them out of your life (you aren’t always able to anyway), but you can choose what you do share with them, to keep yourself feeling safe.

We NEED people in our lives to be happy, healthy and functioning. Of course we do, but we need to look after ourselves!

What I did do was this…

I did ‘TALK’ – but to a professional who I knew wouldn’t judge me, wouldn’t try to offer solutions, and who would just listen to me and show that they were listening to me and understood. Once a week – my safe space to share.

The other thing I did (and the most helpful thing I did!) was build a better relationship with myself.

In fact, THE BEST relationship I have ever had, or will EVER have!

I discovered that I was actually pretty awesome and enjoyed spending time with myself, and looking after myself.

That I was weird and wonderful, full of flaws, full of greatness, funny, intelligent, cranky, kind, that I don’t suffer fools gladly and that I stand up for what I believe in, that I had skills and confidence that I never thought I had…as well as countless other things!

I knew what I needed to hear to get myself through dark periods (so could offer that to myself).

I knew what brought me comfort and calmed my worries and anxieties down.

I learned to ‘sit with my emotions’. To not rush through it and force myself to ‘snap out of it’. I would simply - mentally and physically, ‘sit with it’. Like sitting on a boat in the middle of a stormy sea. I would simply sit and watch…and wait.

And that intense storm doesn’t last!

It really doesn’t. It might come back another day, but knowing it will calm – just knowing that, makes you realise you are “okay”. That you will be okay.

I developed strategies that work for me.

And I haven’t felt in that dark a place since, because I know and understand myself.

I don’t rely on anyone else to bring me up. To make things better.

I really don’t.

Even though they don’t mean to, people will always let you down. Even those who love you the most. They might not mean to – but we are all only human!

We are not trained therapists, and even if we are (or they are), everyone has their own lives to lead and limits to their / our patience and understanding.

There is not ONE person in the world who can give you all that you want and need…except yourself!

-          Get the help you need from professionals. PLEASE DO!

-          DO talk to people who you feel you can trust the most and who you think can offer the most empathy and understanding, but please DON’T rely on a person – expecting them to be able or willing to listen to you morning, noon and night. Please don’t become that, “friend of misery”.

-          Instead, build that strong relationship with yourself!

Talk with your new ‘bestie’. Keep a diary of your thoughts if you feel able to.

I still get very down periods – but they don’t last long now. I know what I need to do to get myself back into a better mental state.

I know what works for me - my best friend.

I sit with it and don’t try to change anything.

Then when the storm has calmed, I move. I make a brew. I put the tv on. I turn on a well watched, well loved relaxing but funny show (and I have a few I turn to). Like a comfort blanket - calming me - keeping me company and bringing some lightness back into my life.

I talk it all out with myself too – or I write.

Because who understands me more than me?

I know what I need to hear – I can’t say the wrong things or depress myself by ‘overstaying my welcome’ by saying the same old things over again.

Please be kind to yourself and look after yourself 🧡🐣